APOLOGIES

         Apologies are statements that are made when you, for the moment, can’t think of a better way of getting out of the hole you have got yourself into. They aren’t to be taken too seriously and are just contrivances for giving brownie points to your interlocutor, and cost you nothing more than momentary discomfort.

         As a veteran of several decades of marriage, I can be considered an expert in the art of apology. In fact I know more about apology than I do of Zoology, Physiology, toxicology, Pharmacology, and sundry other logies I have studied. Much of my married life has been spent in apologizing for things I did, things I didn’t do, things I was told to do and forgot, things that I was specifically told not to do but forgot. I have become so fluent in my apologizing that I often find myself apologizing for something I did even before I have actually done it. This saves time and has the added benefit of confusing the apologisee.

       Consequently I was rather bemused when in a recent TV interview some one was being badgered about whether he would apologize for something that happened three decades ago. He looked flummoxed. Apparently he had never been asked to apologize for anything in his life before. Then he dimpled and talked about women’s empowerment. It looked cute but was apparently not the right answer, as the question was repeated. An earnest look and the appeal that the system needs changing evoked the same response. He looked aghast, and ready to burst into tears. There was no way out of this one.

    In his place I would have immediately apologized. Like most of my apologies it wouldn’t mean anything anyway.

    I do believe that there should be a statute of limitations on apologies.

If my wife asks me today to apologize for not taking her to her maika in June 1982, I would apologize of course, out of sheer habit, but it really makes no sense.

 Not that I expect her to make sense (ok I apologize for that).

    This tendency of asking for an apology for things past may open the flood gates in the future.

The Congress is expected to apologize for 1984, Namo for 2002, the firangis for the Jallianwala Bagh tragedy.

      If this goes on, there will be hundreds of messages flying all over the world demanding apologies.

      A message would go to the Govt. of Mongolia asking them to apologize for the murder of 100000 people and subsequent sack of Delhi by one of their erstwhile citizens, Timur. Ditto one to the Republic of Iran for the depredations of Nadir Shah. A missive will go to the Afghans for the actions of Mahmud of Ghazni, along with a request to compensate for the loot of Somnath.

      On an international scale, the United Indigenous Inhabitants of America will ask for an Apology from the Governments of Spain, Portugal, and Great Britain (including Ireland) for willfully and with malicious intent invading their land.

      Israel will ask for an apology for the Holocaust from Germany, with copies to Poland and Russia where similar pogroms happened.

 On a local level the people of the Deccan will demand an apology from the people who claim Aryan descent, for displacing them and destroying their way of life.

     People of Odisha and Bengal will fire off a letter to Maharashtra expressing the actions of the “borgis” and demanding an apology.

   The descendants of the people of Mohenjodaro will demand an apology from everyone, and the Harappans will add on a clause asking for an apology for the theft of their cuisine, including tandoori chicken which as everyone knows, was invented there.

    And the British will send a demand to the government of India asking for an apology for the deaths of Mrs. Kennedy and Miss Kennedy. The Aussies for the deaths of Graham Staines and his sons…..the list of Man’s inhumanity to Man is endless, and there can be no end to occasions for which an apology is required.

    Of course you can dig in your heels and like a Petkoff (or RG) refuse to apologize. (for those of you who have missed the reference, read ’Arms and the Man’).

    Or you can follow the example of Zeus.

Zeus, king of the Greek gods, ruler of Olympus, wielder of thunderbolts, used to chafe under the supervision of his wife Hera Boopis (the cow eyed). He also suffered from the seven year itch, though in his case it was more frequent than that, and often went walk a bout.

    In the course of one of these travels his eye was caught by Alcmene, wife of Amphytron, and a beauty beyond mortal compare. At that time Amphytron was away on one of the frequent battles that the ancients kept having. to pass the time. Zeus changed his appearance to that of Amphytron and went to Alcmene who was mildly surprised by the return of her ‘husband’.

“Back so early, dear?” she asked.

 In Greek.

To cut a long story short, Zeus took the advantage of her husband’s absence to have a wild time.

     This did not escape the attention of Hera who was not only cow eyed but also eagle eyed. She came charging up and demanded that at least Zeus must apologize for what he did.

     Zeus’ answer was a classic. He said “I may apologize, but I’ll never be sorry.”